The story begins with a home invasion. An innocent hobbit is attacked by ruffians whilst enjoying the privacy of his well-appointed home. He has a suspiciously well-stocked larder for a single hobbit. The ruffians devastate his supplies and take liberties with his mother’s fine china. The ruffians turn out to be dwarves on a quest to regain their kingdom which is currently occupied by an extremely destructive tenant. Appeals to the Tenancy Board have been fruitless and they have enlisted the help of a fixer by the name of Gandalf. Gandalf believes the hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, might be of assistance in the role of thief. I am distracted by the architectural delights of the hobbit’s home and wish the entire movie would consist of a tiny house tour complete with house plans. But no, the story line devolves into an endless and enervating quest for a way back in to the dwarfish kingdom and, sadly, instead of a cosy exploration of the finer points of hobbit interior design and finishes, we are treated to the spectacle of troll snot and orc orthodontic calamities. In due course, we will be introduced to Azog , the Defiler, a giant Orc leader with the general aspect of a blanched turnip who will eventually be forced to sport a blender attachment skewered to the end of his arm stump. This unpleasant accessory will create the vague impression of a deranged baker and will serve to undermine his authority somewhat. Thorin Oakenshield, the young dwarf prince, believes Azog, the turnip, is dead but, ominously it turns out he is not dead but merely palely loitering offstage in some sulphurous orc sewer. The dwarves haven’t seen the last of Azog…