We open with a couple enduring a tedious vacation in Greece – they have arrived at the end of their enthusiasm for each other and can barely muster the energy to make pained expressions of boredom as they listlessly untidy their bed. Bond, James Bond, is dutifully sleepwalking his way through his last appearance under the guise of Daniel Craig – it’s all done and dusted and now he gets to go and do some theatre at last.

People seem to wander around muttering Blofeld and Spectre a lot in this movie but to no real purpose and with zero conviction. The dialogue is blurry and aimless, the storyline muddy and irrelevant, but no one cares anymore, so it’s ok.

People get in and out of cars, on and off motorcycles, jump over bridges, in and out of boats they go, and guns so many guns of all different types and calibres are waved around (check your friendly gun vendor if you feel you too want to try it out) and disposable henchmen dispatched with as little drama and excitement as if they were lining up at the Motor Vehicle Branch. A pretty Latina spy in evening gown and high heels proves herself to be adequate at her job and earns an admiring handshake from Bond, like a contestant in the Great British Bake Off.

And the bad guy has many scars and a whispery voice, as if being bad was just so exhausting. Having scars is a real sign of being evil as everyone knows. Oh dear, it seems that no one involved in making this dreary film had time to write a real script with real motivation and characters with something real to lose…they are so listless that they don’t even have time to die, they just wander around trying to look like they might care but not quite getting there. What happened to the old Bond movies that crackled with excitement and humour?

So far it’s all very blase…so dull that I stopped watching the movie to write this and a movie that drives a writer to write must be very, very boring indeed because writers will do anything to avoid writing and a James Bond film should be so exciting that you even forget to eat your popcorn. I’ll give it another chance….BRB.

Now a small child has been enlisted to try to infuse the proceedings with some emotional depth. It’s not working.

Bond is attempting to speak with said child over breakfast. Very awkward.

Ok now they’re going on a road trip…the stakes are inching higher with the small child involvement. A car chase has been scheduled to create a sliver of excitement…Bond is now seriously displeased. A sprinkle of helicopter and a dash of motorbike…and they’re off, running through the forest…at this point I am more moved by the forest and the ferns than by the action.

The love interest and child have been abducted following time-honoured plot twists…Bond and the other 007 are being issued many alarming gadgets. Time to head into the villain’s lair….Bond has a watch with an electromagnetic whatsit..that is, the security cameras are knocked out because every action film requires it. I am now yawning uncontrollably…now Bond is having a philosophical debate with the villain. Bond is wearing a very cool, blue military-style sweater that I covet. Blah, blah, blah …”people want oblivion”… blah, blah, blah, “we both eradicate people to make the world a better place…”

I can’t take it anymore….”not as long as there are people like you in the world …angry little men, etc., etc.”

That’s it, I am going to bed…..Goodbye, Mr. Bond….I have no time for you….